"REVIEWING THE HEIST"
Richard Marcheza strolled through the meeting room, late. He had a lot on his mind. In the room were ten sets of glaring eyes, upset over his tardiness and anxious to hear of the plans. They were going to steal a brand new prototype weapon developed by an independent company wishing to bank big on it.
Richard began his briefing of the heavily guarded warehouse the weapon was being stowed at. "If they're going to hesitate to sell it, we sure as hell won't hesitate to steal it." This statement made Richard proud having recited it to his fellow criminals, but the others weren't so obliged by it. They wanted facts of the heist itself - especially one guy by the name of Tommy.
"Get to the point, Marcheza, enough with the smalltalk! We're still very skeptical about how this heist is going to be a successful one that involves preferably no casualties on our part!"
"Relax, Tommy. The plan is foolproof. I have anticipated every potential happening and mishappening. There will be no failure as long as you all succeed in your duties." Tommy rose from his seat.
"Which are WHAT Marcheza, you keep talking and talking in circles, and we've been sitting here waiting for an hour anxiously awaiting to hear what it is we're supposed to do!"
"I'll get to that, if you take a seat!" Richard Marcheza was in the process of booting up a laptop computer and setting up a nearby projector as he was being shouted at. All the while, he was thinking of his innocent family and unfortunate choice of career path. Oh well, he thought. Once you're involved in this line of business, there's no getting out.
"Here."
Richard presented the plan for his heist the way every criminal does nowadays - through a PowerPoint presentation and verbal summary. He detailed specific duties for each mobster present. The getaway driver, who's breaking in, who's on watch duty, who's overseeing that their radio equipment and transmission stays encrypted, and the inside man's duties. A cellphone went off. It was one of the mobsters.
"What is this world coming to," sighed Tommy.
Richard also joined in. "You best put that away, and if I hear that ring once more---". Another cellphone went off. This time, it was Richard's. The room erupted into frenzy, all the while Tommy wondered to himself what happened to the old days of crime.
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You've begun to build a terrific sense of tension between these characters, Kevin -- and I love the humor of the ending -- the inevitable cell phone ring during a meeting is a nice touch in this context!
ReplyDeleteLook for chances to show even more through actual scene-making. I'll give you an example -- in the second paragraph you tell us how Richard and his partners feel about his comment. How might they react -- what might they do or say -- to give the same impression.
Also -- careful with POV. While it is possible to move from character to character, doing so in a single scene is jarring -- it takes real finesse to pull off, and really needs to be done with a purpose in mind. If Richard is your protagonist, and so we're looking over his shoulder as the scene unfolds, how might he pick up on how the others are reacting?